Sunday, December 17, 2006

Moving Violation

EXTRA! EXTRA! Mayor Danny Canan got into a car accident and tried to cover it up! Here's the story from Muncie's Rag of Record, The Star Press
(12/17/06):

Minor mishap draws major attention

MUNCIE -- Mayor Dan Canan had an accident recently in his city-owned vehicle that went unreported, at least on an official basis, for five days.

The mayor was headed back downtown about 4:30 p.m. Dec. 7 from his home on Gishler Drive when he turned the city SUV onto Queensbury Drive, slid off the road and hit a tree.

The timing could not have been worse, given Canan had to be downtown at 5 p.m. that afternoon for lighting Christmas lights and luminaries.

So the mayor called police Sgt. Gordon Watters, who oversees police car maintenance, to assess damage and make a report.

By Monday, there still was no report on file concerning the mayor's mishap and rumors began to circulate, particularly among Muncie Police Department officers who were not involved in the investigation, that a cover-up might be under way.

Side Remarks asked the mayor and police officials about the report on Tuesday, and one was made available in the police chief's office.

Police Deputy Chief Terry Winters said officers had to assess damage to the SUV to determine whether a report was even necessary, and also had other investigations to conduct.

Canan also said there was no cover-up, agreeing it took police time to determine the damage.

Police Sgt. Steve Watkins investigated the wreck and found as much as $2,500-$5,000 worth of damage to the front end of the mayor's SUV. He also supplied a graphic showing the mayor's SUV in the tree.

Canan wanted to remind Side Remarks that he neither drinks alcoholic beverages and nor has alcohol in his home after some foes within the MPD tried to start rumors that the mayor might have been drinking.

Okay, Danny, you don't drink booze, but what about drugs? I wouldn't be surprised if Old Lardbutt snatched some of his wife's Valium or Crystal Meth and went joyriding! He seems like the type to me! A closeted junkie with a big monkey on his back (And when I say monkey, I'm not referring to Mrs. Danny Canan! I think it has already been established that she is one scary bitch.)! Some sort of drunk test or something should have been done after the mishap, but you can get out of anything if you're the mayor!

Saturday, December 02, 2006

Phantom Finger Pains

Man, I miss having fingers. I curse those bastard midgets everyday for cutting them off! Oh, I get by with my knuckle nubs and toothpicks, but it's just not the same. For example, I can no longer flip the bird. Whenever I get het up (which is usually always!) and try to flip, people just think I'm waving at them so they wave back. Of course, once they notice I'm fingerless, that's when the screaming begins.

Call me peculiar, but I miss smelling my fingers and biting my fingernails (Toenails are just not the same!). And don't get me started on how handy fingers are when you want to self-pleasure!

One day I hope to get me some bionic fingers, but not the metal type! I want the ones made out of ceramic foam which are soft, but durable. My doctor sez there ain't such things, but what the hell does he know? He's nothing, but a glorified candy striper! Thank you, Medicare!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Bowel Movement

Joyous news! Muncie's biggest turd, Mayor Danny "The Butt of Justice" Canan, is calling it quits once his term is over! Praise Jebus and other assorted deities! For way too long that gray haired, canned ham-faced, wet fart of a man has run roughshod on the good people of America's Hometown and I say good riddance to bad tonnage! I can't wait until 13 months passes and that massive turd will be flushed out of public service! Of course, like all large turds, he'll leave some skid marks on the bowl, but the good people of Muncie will successful scrub them out!

Oh, no matter if he is the mayor or not, his wife is still one scary bitch.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Crating on My Nerves

Here's an interesting punishment I read about from Muncie's prominent rag
of record
:

Wilson Middle School students being punished for forgetfulness were forced to carry their books and materials in a milk crate.

MUNCIE -- A parent's complaint has prompted Wilson Middle School officials to end a practice of forcing students who habitually forgot supplies to carry all of their books and materials in milk crates.

Karen Smith's son, Cody, was told by his teacher to carry all of his school belongings in a milk crate from Jan. 10 until Jan. 27 because he forgot to bring his library book to class.
Smith learned of the punishment two days after Cody, a sixth-grader, began carrying the crate. Smith took Cody to the doctor after he complained of pain, and she noticed bruises on his legs and swelling in his knees. The doctor prescribed ibuprofen for the boy's discomfort.

The Smith family also filed a police report over the incident.
"I feel much better," Karen Smith said Thursday after learning that the practice had been halted. "That was my main goal -- seeing that crate being done away with. For one thing, because if it injures one child, it could (hurt) others."

Using the crate as a deterrent to forgetting materials had been a practice at Wilson for about four years.

With teacher permission, a student could leave the crate in a classroom and get materials out when needed. Also, the crate didn't have to be carried to lunch or classes where books aren't needed, such as art or gym.

Wilson teachers decided when to impose the punishment as a means of reminding students to bring the needed supplies to class, the middle school's principal, DiLynn Phelps, said.
"This idea got started even before I got here (in 2004)," Phelps said. "We have parents even call and ask if (a child) can go on 'crate.' A kid is not put on 'crate' if they forget something one time."

However, Phelps said Thursday that the school had "stopped the practice."

"If we have one parent who is concerned ... healthwise, then we have to stop it because that was not the intention," the principal said. "The intention was to help the kids be better organized. We're here for kids, and we're here to nurture them. Once it was brought to my attention that it was a concern physically, it stopped."

Before a student was forced to carry a crate, a letter was sent home to parents with the student, and a follow-up letter was sent by mail. If a parent had objections, the "crate" form of punishment was not used.

Parents also received information about the policy in informational packets distributed at the beginning of each school year, and in school newsletters, Phelps said.

Parents Tonia Vance and Molly Davis said they supported the "crate" concept. Vance's son and Davis's daughter, both sixth-graders, were each "put on crate" this school year.
Organization and remembering to bring the correct book to class was a challenge to Davis' daughter, Shelby, after years of having everything she needed for elementary school in her desk. Shelby was ordered to carry her books and school materials in a crate for a week last fall.

"It's a good thing," Davis said. "It sure makes her think when you've got to drag that thing. I think it's helped her. We certainly haven't had it a second week."

Vance's son was a crate carrier last month, and she thinks the experience helped him become more organized.

"I think he learned a good lesson from that, and he's gotten better from that, definitely," Vance said. "I think it's something that they should keep. He complained about it being heavy because it was cold and stuff (and) dragging it off the bus ... but I think it was a lesson for him. If I thought it would hurt him in any kind of form or physical shape, there's no way I'd let that happen to him."

Muncie Community Schools has established guidelines for punishment, but teachers are able to create their own rules for their classrooms within reason.

Those rules must be sent to each building principal for review and they must be "in the spirit of our guidelines," Asst. Supt. Steve Edwards said. The principal will speak with a teacher if a rule is thought to be inappropriate.

"Schools have procedures in place, and as long as they communicate with parents and make parents aware, they have some freedom," Edwards said. "They don't have total freedom. They have some autonomy."

Edwards said he wasn't aware of the crate punishment until another parent complained a few weeks before Smith.


These kids today have it so friggin' easy with their litigious parents and such! Why back in the day, when I got in trouble in school with my sass mouth and wheelchair shenanigans, I got my fat ass whupped and I looked forward to the punishment! Maybe a little too much. I think I freaked my principal when I called him "Daddy" and licked his paddle (His massive, stern paddle!). That's when I got placed in therapy. Damn Crate Kids got off too damn easy if you ask me!

Monday, January 16, 2006

Subway's Clown

I hate that friggin' Jared! He's a total douche! I hate everything about that doofus! He's a traitor to all fat people everywhere! Always prancing and poising about in his lame ass plaid shirts! He thinks he's all that, but he's nothing! I can't believe Subway still has this loser under contract! It's like they want him to be their Ronald McDonald or some shit! What sensible business would want some fathead nerd as their friggin' mascot? (I would insert some Bill Gates joke, but he promised to get me vaccinated if I moved to Africa! I'm seriously putting some thought into that, too!) I hated Subway ever since I got food poisoned there after consuming some bad mayonnaise! I tried to get a refund, but they got all pissy after I puked on a booth. Lousy Subway and their lousy, self-hating Jared! If I still had my car, I would start stalking that Jared grubber and then I would run over his flabby ass! Get some Jared embedded in my tire treads! Just thinking about that thrills me and then scares me a little bit. I must control my rage! Even that traitorous Jared isn't worth going to jail for so I would have to plan to never get caught, but I weigh six hundred pounds so that plan is worth shit. Stupid Jared! Must settle down. Okay, I'm going to my happy place deep within my soul where there is no Jared. It is beautiful there and horny sluts do my bidding. So very, very happy!

Now I need to suck my knuckle nubs.

Friday, January 06, 2006

My Name Lingered on His Tongue

I used to watch Colonel Roger Overbey's Community Focus every week, but I soon got bored with the sameness of every episode so I gradually tuned out and started to fill my life with things that truly matter like livestock porn and two handed masturbation. However, I occasionally stumble across an episode every now and then. That's what happened tonight when I flipped on Colonel Roger and watched a show that actually mentioned me by name! I couldn't believe it! Colonel Roger talked about me in one of his lame ass attempts at humor and it nearly made me choke up! I was so excited, I decided to write Colonel Roger the following missive: 

Hey, Colonel Roger!

Long time, no write! It seems like decades since I wrote to you about some crap I saw on your show! Nothing personal, Colonel Roger, but I have fallen out of the habit of watching public access since nothing good is on it anymore (Besides, your fine programs, of course!). Muncie's public access gave up the ghost years ago so I admire your drive to fill it with your attempts of quality programming. I blame that fat ass, Danny Canan, for destroying the spirit of local cable access and I hope he rots in a septic tank in Shedtown for his tyrannical shenanigans (On a side note, did you know his wife is a major bitch? I rank her up there with my aunt, Mary Jo Barton!)

Anyway, just for the heck of it, I decided to tune in to Community Focus tonight and see what you and your zanies were up to. I was surprised to find an old episode I have heard whispered about in some corners: The lame Sopranos episode where you mentioned me by name! Oh, Colonel Roger, you sure know how to make a former circus fat man cream himself! I was so touched to be part of your lame and stiff Dr.Melfi riff! It really made me moist and sticky! I've been going through a rough patch ever since a roving band of midgets cut off all of my fingers and being part of your show made me forget about the phantom pains hovering about my knuckle nubs!

For the record, Colonel Roger, I did not go to school with you! Thankfully we were both spared that trauma! No, I have yet had the pleasure to meet you in person and I'm afraid our paths will never cross since you refused to make me an intern. I know you favor young girlies to hold your equipment, but I'm still bitter I never got the chance to ride shotgun in your big ass limo (Is the elderly chauffer still servicing you or did he croak?). Perhaps if I was a boozer like the rest of your staff, I would have had the chance.

In closing, I want to thank you for weaving me into the Community Focus fabric! It is truly an honor I wish I could frame and place on my wall next to my autographed picture of confetti comic, Rip Taylor. I am truly touched!

Sincerely,

Oscar Blotnik
The Star Press Person of the Year Nominee (2000)

p.s. I heard my mancrush, Chuck Hensley, recently had a hissy fit and is threatening to sue the city! Are you going to interview Chuck about this or are you afraid to get involved due to Danny Canan? I hope you support Chuck in his hour of need and please pat one of his butt cheeks for me.

Saturday, December 24, 2005

Duck Christmas!


I think I would be a knee-banging, Biblethumping Christian if Jebus was a rubber duck. Merry Christmas if you want.