Big Blotto

Moving Violation

2006-12-17T03:36:00.000-08:00

EXTRA! EXTRA! Mayor Danny Canan got into a car accident and tried to cover it up! Here's the story from Muncie's Rag of Record, The Star Press
(12/17/06):

Minor mishap draws major attention

MUNCIE -- Mayor Dan Canan had an accident recently in his city-owned vehicle that went unreported, at least on an official basis, for five days.

The mayor was headed back downtown about 4:30 p.m. Dec. 7 from his home on Gishler Drive when he turned the city SUV onto Queensbury Drive, slid off the road and hit a tree.

The timing could not have been worse, given Canan had to be downtown at 5 p.m. that afternoon for lighting Christmas lights and luminaries.

So the mayor called police Sgt. Gordon Watters, who oversees police car maintenance, to assess damage and make a report.

By Monday, there still was no report on file concerning the mayor's mishap and rumors began to circulate, particularly among Muncie Police Department officers who were not involved in the investigation, that a cover-up might be under way.

Side Remarks asked the mayor and police officials about the report on Tuesday, and one was made available in the police chief's office.

Police Deputy Chief Terry Winters said officers had to assess damage to the SUV to determine whether a report was even necessary, and also had other investigations to conduct.

Canan also said there was no cover-up, agreeing it took police time to determine the damage.

Police Sgt. Steve Watkins investigated the wreck and found as much as $2,500-$5,000 worth of damage to the front end of the mayor's SUV. He also supplied a graphic showing the mayor's SUV in the tree.

Canan wanted to remind Side Remarks that he neither drinks alcoholic beverages and nor has alcohol in his home after some foes within the MPD tried to start rumors that the mayor might have been drinking.

Okay, Danny, you don't drink booze, but what about drugs? I wouldn't be surprised if Old Lardbutt snatched some of his wife's Valium or Crystal Meth and went joyriding! He seems like the type to me! A closeted junkie with a big monkey on his back (And when I say monkey, I'm not referring to Mrs. Danny Canan! I think it has already been established that she is one scary bitch.)! Some sort of drunk test or something should have been done after the mishap, but you can get out of anything if you're the mayor!

Phantom Finger Pains

2006-12-02T00:05:00.000-08:00

Man, I miss having fingers. I curse those bastard midgets everyday for cutting them off! Oh, I get by with my knuckle nubs and toothpicks, but it's just not the same. For example, I can no longer flip the bird. Whenever I get het up (which is usually always!) and try to flip, people just think I'm waving at them so they wave back. Of course, once they notice I'm fingerless, that's when the screaming begins.

Call me peculiar, but I miss smelling my fingers and biting my fingernails (Toenails are just not the same!). And don't get me started on how handy fingers are when you want to self-pleasure!

One day I hope to get me some bionic fingers, but not the metal type! I want the ones made out of ceramic foam which are soft, but durable. My doctor sez there ain't such things, but what the hell does he know? He's nothing, but a glorified candy striper! Thank you, Medicare!

Bowel Movement

2006-12-01T03:02:00.000-08:00

Joyous news! Muncie's biggest turd, Mayor Danny "The Butt of Justice" Canan, is calling it quits once his term is over! Praise Jebus and other assorted deities! For way too long that gray haired, canned ham-faced, wet fart of a man has run roughshod on the good people of America's Hometown and I say good riddance to bad tonnage! I can't wait until 13 months passes and that massive turd will be flushed out of public service! Of course, like all large turds, he'll leave some skid marks on the bowl, but the good people of Muncie will successful scrub them out!

Oh, no matter if he is the mayor or not, his wife is still one scary bitch.

Crating on My Nerves

2006-01-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

Here's an interesting punishment I read about from Muncie's prominent rag
of record:

Wilson Middle School students being punished for forgetfulness were forced to carry their books and materials in a milk crate.

MUNCIE -- A parent's complaint has prompted Wilson Middle School officials to end a practice of forcing students who habitually forgot supplies to carry all of their books and materials in milk crates.

Karen Smith's son, Cody, was told by his teacher to carry all of his school belongings in a milk crate from Jan. 10 until Jan. 27 because he forgot to bring his library book to class.
Smith learned of the punishment two days after Cody, a sixth-grader, began carrying the crate. Smith took Cody to the doctor after he complained of pain, and she noticed bruises on his legs and swelling in his knees. The doctor prescribed ibuprofen for the boy's discomfort.

The Smith family also filed a police report over the incident.
"I feel much better," Karen Smith said Thursday after learning that the practice had been halted. "That was my main goal -- seeing that crate being done away with. For one thing, because if it injures one child, it could (hurt) others."

Using the crate as a deterrent to forgetting materials had been a practice at Wilson for about four years.

With teacher permission, a student could leave the crate in a classroom and get materials out when needed. Also, the crate didn't have to be carried to lunch or classes where books aren't needed, such as art or gym.

Wilson teachers decided when to impose the punishment as a means of reminding students to bring the needed supplies to class, the middle school's principal, DiLynn Phelps, said.
"This idea got started even before I got here (in 2004)," Phelps said. "We have parents even call and ask if (a child) can go on 'crate.' A kid is not put on 'crate' if they forget something one time."

However, Phelps said Thursday that the school had "stopped the practice."

"If we have one parent who is concerned ... healthwise, then we have to stop it because that was not the intention," the principal said. "The intention was to help the kids be better organized. We're here for kids, and we're here to nurture them. Once it was brought to my attention that it was a concern physically, it stopped."

Before a student was forced to carry a crate, a letter was sent home to parents with the student, and a follow-up letter was sent by mail. If a parent had objections, the "crate" form of punishment was not used.

Parents also received information about the policy in informational packets distributed at the beginning of each school year, and in school newsletters, Phelps said.

Parents Tonia Vance and Molly Davis said they supported the "crate" concept. Vance's son and Davis's daughter, both sixth-graders, were each "put on crate" this school year.
Organization and remembering to bring the correct book to class was a challenge to Davis' daughter, Shelby, after years of having everything she needed for elementary school in her desk. Shelby was ordered to carry her books and school materials in a crate for a week last fall.

"It's a good thing," Davis said. "It sure makes her think when you've got to drag that thing. I think it's helped her. We certainly haven't had it a second week."

Vance's son was a crate carrier last month, and she thinks the experience helped him become more organized.

"I think he learned a good lesson from that, and he's gotten better from that, definitely," Vance said. "I think it's something that they should keep. He complained about it being heavy because it was cold and stuff (and) dragging it off the bus ... but I think it was a lesson for him. If I thought it would hurt him in any kind of form or physical shape, there's no way I'd let that happen to him."

Muncie Community Schools has established guidelines for punishment, but teachers are able to create their own rules for their classrooms within reason.

Those rules must be sent to each building principal for review and they must be "in the spirit of our guidelines," Asst. Supt. Steve Edwards said. The principal will speak with a teacher if a rule is thought to be inappropriate.

"Schools have procedures in place, and as long as they communicate with parents and make parents aware, they have some freedom," Edwards said. "They don't have total freedom. They have some autonomy."

Edwards said he wasn't aware of the crate punishment until another parent complained a few weeks before Smith.

These kids today have it so friggin' easy with their litigious parents and such! Why back in the day, when I got in trouble in school with my sass mouth and wheelchair shenanigans, I got my fat ass whupped and I looked forward to the punishment! Maybe a little too much. I think I freaked my principal when I called him "Daddy" and licked his paddle (His massive, stern paddle!). That's when I got placed in therapy. Damn Crate Kids got off too damn easy if you ask me!

Subway's Clown

2006-01-16T13:45:00.000-08:00

I hate that friggin' Jared! He's a total douche! I hate everything about that doofus! He's a traitor to all fat people everywhere! Always prancing and poising about in his lame ass plaid shirts! He thinks he's all that, but he's nothing! I can't believe Subway still has this loser under contract! It's like they want him to be their Ronald McDonald or some shit! What sensible business would want some fathead nerd as their friggin' mascot? (I would insert some Bill Gates joke, but he promised to get me vaccinated if I moved to Africa! I'm seriously putting some thought into that, too!) I hated Subway ever since I got food poisoned there after consuming some bad mayonnaise! I tried to get a refund, but they got all pissy after I puked on a booth. Lousy Subway and their lousy, self-hating Jared! If I still had my car, I would start stalking that Jared grubber and then I would run over his flabby ass! Get some Jared embedded in my tire treads! Just thinking about that thrills me and then scares me a little bit. I must control my rage! Even that traitorous Jared isn't worth going to jail for so I would have to plan to never get caught, but I weigh six hundred pounds so that plan is worth shit. Stupid Jared! Must settle down. Okay, I'm going to my happy place deep within my soul where there is no Jared. It is beautiful there and horny sluts do my bidding. So very, very happy!

Now I need to suck my knuckle nubs.

My Name Lingered on His Tongue

2006-01-06T07:34:00.000-08:00

I used to watch Colonel Roger Overbey's Community Focus every week, but I soon got bored with the sameness of every episode so I gradually tuned out and started to fill my life with things that truly matter like livestock porn and two handed masturbation. However, I occasionally stumble across an episode every now and then. That's what happened tonight when I flipped on Colonel Roger and watched a show that actually mentioned me by name! I couldn't believe it! Colonel Roger talked about me in one of his lame ass attempts at humor and it nearly made me choke up! I was so excited, I decided to write Colonel Roger the following missive:

Hey, Colonel Roger!

Long time, no write! It seems like decades since I wrote to you about some crap I saw on your show! Nothing personal, Colonel Roger, but I have fallen out of the habit of watching public access since nothing good is on it anymore (Besides, your fine programs, of course!). Muncie's public access gave up the ghost years ago so I admire your drive to fill it with your attempts of quality programming. I blame that fat ass, Danny Canan, for destroying the spirit of local cable access and I hope he rots in a septic tank in Shedtown for his tyrannical shenanigans (On a side note, did you know his wife is a major bitch? I rank her up there with my aunt, Mary Jo Barton!)

Anyway, just for the heck of it, I decided to tune in to Community Focus tonight and see what you and your zanies were up to. I was surprised to find an old episode I have heard whispered about in some corners: The lame Sopranos episode where you mentioned me by name! Oh, Colonel Roger, you sure know how to make a former circus fat man cream himself! I was so touched to be part of your lame and stiff Dr.Melfi riff! It really made me moist and sticky! I've been going through a rough patch ever since a roving band of midgets cut off all of my fingers and being part of your show made me forget about the phantom pains hovering about my knuckle nubs!

For the record, Colonel Roger, I did not go to school with you! Thankfully we were both spared that trauma! No, I have yet had the pleasure to meet you in person and I'm afraid our paths will never cross since you refused to make me an intern. I know you favor young girlies to hold your equipment, but I'm still bitter I never got the chance to ride shotgun in your big ass limo (Is the elderly chauffer still servicing you or did he croak?). Perhaps if I was a boozer like the rest of your staff, I would have had the chance.

In closing, I want to thank you for weaving me into the Community Focus fabric! It is truly an honor I wish I could frame and place on my wall next to my autographed picture of confetti comic, Rip Taylor. I am truly touched!

Sincerely,

Oscar Blotnik
The Star Press Person of the Year Nominee (2000)

p.s. I heard my mancrush, Chuck Hensley, recently had a hissy fit and is threatening to sue the city! Are you going to interview Chuck about this or are you afraid to get involved due to Danny Canan? I hope you support Chuck in his hour of need and please pat one of his butt cheeks for me.

Duck Christmas!

2005-12-24T15:25:00.000-08:00

I think I would be a knee-banging, Biblethumping Christian if Jebus was a rubber duck. Merry Christmas if you want.

My War on Christmas

2005-12-23T02:06:00.000-08:00

Well, screw the pooch! X-Mas is breathing down my flabby neck and I have nothing to show for it. I didn't get a tree this year (It's hard to hang ornaments when your hands don't have fingers!), I've successfully avoided all the X-Mas TV shows (To hell with the Snow Miser, I'm sticking to my porn!), and I haven't spent a penny on a present (X-Mas is pretty cheap when you don't have friends to buy for!). So I guess I'll play Scrooge this year. Humbug to you all!

If I'm coming off pretty bitter, blame it on my fingerless condition. I've been experiencing some painful phantom pains around my knuckle nubs and the alcohol refuses to drown out the aches! Perhaps I need to start chugging down some stronger stuff. If there's any hillbillies reading this, please contact me if you have any moonshine to sell.

On a happier note, I found out that Ball of Paint dude from Alexandria now has a website to peruse. That guy is one of my local heroes. It takes a true genius to come up with a stupid idea and to milk it for all it's worth! I just wish I had thought of it first!

The Unusual Suspects aka Nasty, Little F!@KS!

2005-12-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

I'm still fingerless, but feisty as hell, brother! Especially since I stumbled upon this picture of my midget attackers while surfing around the web! Now I have something to show the cops and hopefully they can lock those nasty, little bastards up in the clink! I don't know what sickens me more: their looks or remembering the stank they all gave off! The one with the manboobs had the distinct odor of a loaded diaper and the one with the 'fro actually ate one of my index fingers! Monsters all!

Give Me the Finger!

2005-12-18T01:34:00.000-08:00

I haven't done this for awhile because my fingers were cut off by a roving band of midgets with scissors. They attacked me while I was waiting for a bus to take me to my bikini waxing appointment. I am still too traumatized to accurately write about what occurred after those midgets set upon me with their little hands and scissors. I will say I was a total mess with blood and finger gore spread all over my "No Fat Chicks" t-shirt after the digit butchery was completed. Fortunately, I was able to crawl to a local tavern and the owner of that joint called the cops after I refused to stop bleeding on his karoke machine. I was soon taken to the emergency room and the medics did their best to patch me back together.

Currently I am fingerless, but I am hoping to get some of that reconstructive surgery once I find some people willing to donate their fingers. I asked my family, but they told me to go to hell. So I'm stuck using my knuckle nubs until somebody gives me a finger or two. It's not too bad for the most part, but wiping my ass is a total pain. I'll spare you the details, but YUCK! Damn midgets!

The Victory Tour

2005-06-14T00:48:00.000-07:00

Well, America's waking nightmare is over! Michael Jackson was acquitted of all charges yesterday! Michael plans on celebrating his victory by throwing a massive slumber party at his Neverland ranch where the Jesus juice will flow and the pillow fights will last all night (Emotional scarring, however, may last a lifetime)!

Hubba Hubba!

2005-05-27T03:18:00.000-07:00

HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS! HAGS!

Mourn my Stupidity!

2005-04-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess I should have seen it coming. That fratish conclave chose a new pope yesterday and it wasn't me. I knew my chances were slim to none (Ironic since I weigh over a ton!), but in the back of my mind a little voice told me it would be me. I really need to stop trusting that little voice!

I'm just thinking out loud DAMMIT!

2005-04-07T05:04:00.000-07:00

I really think I should be the next Pope because I look damn good in white. Add one of those bigass hats on top of my watermelon head and I would look FABULOUS!

Ho Hum

2005-03-18T02:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, I haven't disappeared. It just smells that way. And what a smell! Something like stale bed farts in a dank basement. I really need to invest in some cologne!

So I survived St.Patrick's Day without getting pinched. Unfortunately, I wanted to get pinched (Especially in a certain area), but no one did the dirty deed. Nobody wants to pinch a fat man! Jesus is surely weeping.

I recently came up with a list of people who I would like to see burst into flame. The list includes: Dr. Phil, that bitch on Court TV, Burt Reynolds's toupee, that cocker spaniel that craps in my yard and its owner, Ryan Seacrest, Chris Farley's corpse, and Ann Coulter. More names will surely be added in the future.

Oscar Blogging

2005-02-27T17:44:00.000-08:00

11:39pm
It's over now. Not too shabby. A lot of people who I wanted to win won. Rock was low-key and the show went smoothly. No complaints here. Let the on-line snarking begin!

11:35pm
It's Dustin and Babs! It has to be Million Dollar Baby now. And Baby gets it. It's a Babs-Clint lovefest! They need to do a movie together! They could co-direct!

11:31pm
Yes, Marva, happy birthday!

Best Director. Damn, Scorsese got shut out! It's Eastwood. And there's Clint's mom. He's right, I want some of his genes. Admit it: Eastwood is swell, but poor Marty!

11:21pm
Best Actor. It's Jamie Foxx. We all know it's Jamie Foxx. And it is Jamie Foxx. Another standing O. A great shout out to Brother Ray. Sweet speech.

11:15pm
Best Screenplay. I want Bird or Kaufman. Charlie Kaufman, the best screenwriter currently working in movies, wins it! He seems like a shy, nervous guy. Unlike his twin brother, natch.

11:11pm
Best Foreign Language Film. Spain won!

11:02pm
Sean Penn: Defender of Jude Law. Who knew?

Best Actress. We all know it's Hilary Swank. Damn, I love Kate Winslet with blue hair! And the next Karate Kid gets it. Nice orchestra wrangling, Hilary!

Hey, did that commercial just rip off Curb Your Enhusiasm?

10:58pm
All hail Prince! I need a purple suit like his. The spanish song won and was that the first sung acceptance speech?

10:54pm
Wow, it's P. Diddy. He sounds stiff. Time for the song from The Polar Express. I think it's official: None of the Best Song nominees deserve to win it.

10:46pm
Well, it's time to bring out the dead. Let's see who gets the most applause. Sounds like Brando got it.

10:31pm
I'm back despite my trouble with the toilet paper (Don't ask and I won't tell!). Look, Natalie Portman is on! Love that neckline! Though "And I applaud them" sounded so cue cardish.

Documentary Short Subject. I like the bald guy's voice. Too bad he got cut off. What's Oprah doing there? She didn't seem to like Chris Rock's joke.

Best Score. Finding Neverland gets it. The mention of Harvey Weinstein got a slight groan or did it? Hey, Spike Lee!

Another tribute. This time from Marty. Observation: The show really is moving along at a good clip.

10:25pm
I need to see a man about a horse. Talk among yourselves!

10:18pm
Is it me, but is Rock really mild tonight? It feels like Ellen DeGeneres could be hosting.

Sound Mixing. Ray won. Is Helen Mirren married to Taylor Hackford? I should know that, but it looks like she is.

Sound Editing. The Incredibles win a second nod. Good show and nice point!

10:11pm
Hey, Kate Winslet. She's a sweet English dish. I know Hilary Swank is going to win it for Best Actress, but Winslet gets my vote.

Cinematography. Another one for The Aviator.

10:03pm
A song from Phantom. Yawn. It'll probably win though. Geesh, Andrew Lloyd Webber sure looks like a toad.

The return of Jeremy Irons. Where has he been keeping himself? He looks nice and laid back. Oh, and he kisses the short film winner, too! What a great Brit!

Laura Linney. She annoys me in some movies and I don't really know why.

9:44pm
Visual Effects. The men behind the Webhead get it. Nice Lord of the Rings joke.

Here comes the Prez of the Academy. These guys really have nothing to say yet they always say something every year.

Al Pacino honoring Sidney Lumet. Time to go to the bathroom. Okay, I'm back. Nothing againist Mr.Lumet. He directed some good movies, but The Wiz? Didn't know that. Nice standing O. Hey, Mickey Rooney is still alive!

9:40pm
Hey, Adam Sandler and Chris Rock are doing a bit. A lame bit. They did stuff like that in the last ten minutes of Saturday Night Live all the time.

Adapted Screenplay. I'm giving it to Sideways. And it wins! Good for Alexander Payne! Do yourself a favor and catch Election some time.

9:33pm
Is Mike Myers really lovable? I have doubts. The Counting Crows. I have no firm opinion about them. The song is light and catchy in a Top 40-kind of way, but should it win? I really think the Best Song nominees are pretty slim this year. Lightweight all around.

9:31pm
Editing. Thelma Schoonmaker took it. It looks like it's going to be Scorsese's year!

9:28pm
Documentaries. I have no clue who'll win. That McDonalds flick? No, the brothel one.

9:25pm
It's time for a Carson tribute. Let the dragging begin! Nothing personal, Johnny! Okay,it wasn't that bad, but why just Whoopi?

9:18pm
Huh. I forgot Tim Robbins won an Oscar last year. I would give the Best Supporting Actress trophy to Edna, but the lovely Virginia Madsen would do. Oh, man, Natalie Portman is so dish. Cate Blanchett won for playing Kate Hepburn. I guess that's fitting since Hepburn was the queen of the Oscars. Look likes The Aviator may be the big Oscar winner. Does that mean Marty Scorsese will finally get his due?

9:14pm
Hey, Edna Mode. That's cool and fitting. Who needs the fourth rate Bond? And The Aviator won Best Costume.

9:12pm
Poor Scarlett Johansson! Hosting those technical Oscars must be a total bore. She's cute though.

9:10pm
Hey, Albert Brooks popped up in Chris Rock's bit. So did Martin Lawrence. Not too impressed by that.

9:06pm
Is it me or is the show moving at a good pace? I'm sure it will eventually drag, but so far so good.

9:02pm
I don't know about you, but I miss the Drew Barrymore who would flash her ta-tas.

8:58pm
Make-up: The Passion lost out to Lemony Snicket. Well, the Academy just pissed off God.

8:53pm
Robin Williams! Hmm..hasn't he done this stuff before? Best Animated Feature? Hell, it's The Incredibles. At least, it BETTER BE! YAY! IT WON! I haven't mentioned this before, but Pixar rocks!

8:42 pm
Okay, I'm all set to blog the crap out of the Oscars! Let's get started!

So Chris Rock...not bad. Not memorable.

Hey, Renee Zellweger looks like a red mermaid! I would gladly fillet her.

Best Supporting Actor. I have no idea who's going to win. Maybe Morgan "Easy Reader" Freeman? Hey, he won! That's a long time coming. I haven't seen his flick, but Morgan Freeman deserves all the kudos he gets! I wish he was my dad.

Why In the Hell Am I Posting This For?

2005-02-24T00:14:00.000-08:00

I really spend too much of my time smelling my arm pits. I've been doing it since puberty and I chalk it up as a nervous habit. Either that or I really love the smell of my arm pits. They smell like fried onions. Is that a good smell or not? I don't know because I hate onions. Oh well, at least, I don't pick my nose.

That much.

Proof the Keystone Cops Still Exist in Muncie

2005-02-19T14:59:00.000-08:00

From The Star Press:

And during the investigation of the crash scene on Ind. 28 west of Walnut Street, sheriff's deputy David Hanauer, 50, suffered a skull fracture when he was knocked down by a police vehicle backing up. He was hospitalized.

Proof Muncie's The Star Press is not the Paris Review

2005-02-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

Muncie's rag of record, The Star Press, ran the following in today's letters to the editor:

I don't like snow

I don't like ice

An early spring

Would be very nice.

I don't like the cold

When the wind does blow

I'd like the weather

To pack up and go.

I like the spring

When winter's passed

I can wear short sleeves

And summer clothes at last.

I love the flowers

When they finally come out

I love all the colors

They are wondrous, no doubt.

I know we need the winter

To make the new seeds bloom

But as far as I'm concerned

For the cold, there is no room.

-Karen Munson, Muncie

Amazingly that bit of tripe spurred me into action! I quickly sent the following to the editor:

That poem you ran
Was a bunch of crap

The woman who wrote it
is truly a sap

The editor who approved it
should get a knuckle rap

Your paper's dignity
has turned into pap

Oscar Blotnik
The Star Press Person of the Year nominee (2000)

Due to my fractious relationship with The
Star Press, I doubt my "poem" will see print. However, it was nice to get it off my chest (Now I just need to get that nipple fungus scrapped off and I'll be all set!)!

Ice Pick

2005-02-13T15:33:00.000-08:00

Here’s one of the reasons I love living in America’s Hometown (from The Star Press):

MUNCIE - Had it been just a snowman, the police wouldn't have had to get involved.

But the sight of a six-foot-long snow sculpture depicting male genitalia in the yard of a house along Bethel Avenue on Thursday was enough to prompt one concerned citizen to call the cops.

"I thought the whole thing was rude and that my son and I shouldn't have been exposed to it," said Morgan Moncada, a local physician. "I mean, aren't there public indecency laws against this?"

Moncada said he was taking his son home from a local elementary school when the two drove by the snow sculpture, built by college-aged kids on the property.

He said his son happened to be looking away at the time and did not see the sculpture. "I made sure not to mention it to him," he said.

After sighting the sculpture, Moncada said he contacted city police, who told him that was the second complaint they had received that day about such a display.

"The first one reported was eight foot tall," Moncada said.
According to police Capt. Charles Hensley, officers spoke with Ball State University officials, who persuaded the students to dismantle their project.

Hensley said the students had not broken any laws with their artistic efforts.

Muncie has no need for snow dicks. Circumcised or otherwise. Snow pornographers must peddle their goods elsewhere and not in our yards!

I guess the funniest part of the story is that an actual dick turned in his snow counterpart. In the old days, there used to be honor among dicks, but I guess those days are gone.

From the Bowels of Hell!

2005-02-03T02:10:00.000-08:00

Nothing disgusts me more than finding an unflushed turd. That’s one of the reasons I avoid public toilets (Lack of good reading material is another.) So imagine my surprise when I entered my bathroom and found a giant, black turd in my toilet bowl! It was so huge, I nearly threw my Entertainment Weekly at it. After I gained my composure, I averted my eyes and flushed the tar baby down the drain. That’s the last time I ever let a Jehovah’s Witness in my house!

Torn Page

2005-01-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

Is anybody out there pissed off about Trading Spaces dumping Paige Davis? I know some people can't stand Paige, but that perky woman is the balm to this angry fat man's soul. It's bad enough some of the designers have left to do their own shows (Vern, you hurt me, man!), but this may be the straw that breaks the camel's back!

Grumblings

2005-01-21T07:15:00.000-08:00

I was just diagnosed with inauguration fever. Symptoms include diarrhea, constant headaches, and a constant urge to throw up on Dick Cheney. Doctor sez it may take me four years to fully recover. Aw, hell! Bring on the booze!

I just read somewhere one of the nation's leading Johnny Biblethumps claims that SpongeBob SquarePants is gay. Thus proving there are too many Christians and not enough lions.

We're supposed to be getting a buttload of snow tonight and I'm not looking forward to it. After the last couple of weeks, winter has lost its appeal to me. I should be hoofing it to some place warmer. Perhaps the Florida Keys were the women go topless and ride Jimmy Buffet. Something to think about when I'm digging my fat ass out of a drift.

Freezerburn

2005-01-12T19:24:00.000-08:00

Still dealing with the aftermath of ICE STORM '05. Since the electricity was off for a few days, I finally had a good reason to dump all the rancid meat I have been collecting from my freezer. I don't know if this should disturb me or not, but I found a human toe among the meat. After a through examination of my feet, I realized it wasn't one of mine so I wrapped it in tissue paper and flushed it down the toilet. Let the alligators in the sewer figure it out!

I have noticed a disturbing trend in my local rag, The Star Press. In some articles concerning the ice strorm, a few people keep praising God for spewing killer ice on us all. This, for example:

"Kevin Inman, an insurance agent in Portland, said his family got power back at about 10 p.m. Saturday.

"We were still OK at the end," he said. "The whole thing turned out to be a blessing. God got a lot of glory out of the whole thing in our family because we learned to thank Him for our irritations."

I don't know about you, but reading that kind of stuff makes me want to barf cottage cheese on communion wafers. Leave it to one of our local Johnny Biblethumps to turn a winter storm into a Christian passion play that taught him a very valuable lesson. Bah humbug!

Is the Mike in the Smash Tank Hot?

2005-01-09T01:08:00.000-08:00

Well, is it?

Ice Holed

2005-01-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

I just survived a hellish ice storm! The city of Muncie ("America's Hometown") was attacked by raining daggers of ice this past Wednesday, nearly knocking everyone back to the stone age! Power lines went down everywhere and my trailer nearly became an icy tomb for this former circus fat man! I had no electricity, no cable, and all of my trailer's orifices were frozen shut! For two days, I sat stuck in my single wide with a stale box of Ritz crackers and a gallon of homemade vodka. I quickly threw up both.

Being stuck in a giant, metel ice cube can do strange things to a hungry fat man. Every hour I looked at my chubby fingers and I longed to eat them! Dirty fingernails included! Fortunately, I fought the temptation of self-cannibalization and ate some throw pillows instead.

Thankfully my electricity and my precious cable returned to me today. I'm still trapped inside my trailer, but the weather is supposed to get warmer tomorrow so my ice station zebra days may soon be over. Until then, I'll be chewing on my flip-flops for nourishment.

What Not to Watch

2004-12-31T16:31:00.000-08:00

It's New Year's Eve and my big plans for the evening is to watch the What
Not to Wear marathon on TLC. There's a reason I'm often dubbed "Mr. Excitement".

Though I consider myself a professional slob, I enjoy watching WNTW a lot. That Clinton and Stacy sure know what they're doing. I wish one of my friends would write-in and nominate me for a fashion makeover. Unfortunately, most of my friends don't know how to write.

Happy New Year from Shedtown!

Harbinger of Things to Come

2004-12-30T22:00:00.000-08:00

Just one more day before we're tossed into a new year. I don't know what 2005 will bring, but I'm hoping it's top quality porn.

Tats on my Ass

2004-12-29T13:59:00.000-08:00

I just rolled out of bed (A feat that usually takes me twelve minutes) so I really don't have much to comment on. I was thinking about getting another tattoo on my ass last night, but that might have been the hard lemonade doing the thinking.

Last year, I found myself facedown in a pool of vomit in a lesbian pool hall, wearing only a leather thong and a tattoo of Estelle Getty on my ass. I don't remember how any of that stuff happened, because a)I'm banned from all lesbian pool halls in the area, b)I'm strictly a boxer man, and c)I never have been a fan of Estelle Getty (And, face it, neither are you!). Despite all of this, I have a Golden Girl emerging from my anus.

I always think of Estelle when I itch my ass!

Get to Know Me!

2004-12-28T19:56:00.000-08:00

HEY! Guess what? I'm starting a blog! Ain't that cool news? Yeah, I finally realized I had too much free time on my hands and, when that happens, you are required by law to start blogging! So instead of reading about other losers' do-nothing lives on the worldwide web, I'm going to write about mine own!

First off, let me introduce myself! My name is Oscar Blotnik and I'm a former circus fat man. My stage name was "Big Blotto" and I used to travel about America with some low class circuses. After getting harassed by the Big Top Bosses, I decided to quit the 'biz and I returned to my hometown, Muncie, Indiana!

I live on the Southside of Muncie which is called Shedtown. Being a Shedtowner means I'm ornery as hell and just as poor! Many people on the Northside of town belittle us Shedtowners for being ignorant and we love when they do because that means we can beat the bastards up!

As for my hobbies, I enjoy midget wrestling, foxy boxing, seeing chicks mud wrestling naked, eating all types of food, writing thoughtful letters, and watching local public access.

You know what I hate? Hearing a old lady fart. Man, nothing disgusts me more than hearing an elderly woman cut the cheese! The stench can be pretty eye watering as well. Why do I bring this up? Because I wanna!